When The Mind & The Heart Speaks

Crush crushes your heart they say and i have to agree how sickly accurate is that. It's temporary. The feeling. Even if you feel like you're going to like them forever. At the moment looking at the month of love, i only had two real crushes (never count the public figures fgs). Im an inexperience lover where i do not know the differences of what is love or what is liking someone in a long depressing three months. Despite my innocence i believe there's a small part of my pretty intense dark painted heart where it is still pure because it had never been discovered by anyone probably because it's hard to get in. I believe that's the place that has been answering my innocent thoughts.

The answer was no for both of them. Even if i suffered a bit but much lesser than a heartbroken person, both of them, that two had me on a point; they were both nowhere near good. It leads me to a question am i easily attracted to somebody who looks perfect in a glance but truth hurts they were actually assholes or maybe i am one of them so theory wise literally bad atoms are attracted to another bad atoms. Fair isn't it?

Both of them makes me hate myself; the fact i can fall for someone who'll end up disappoint me. Thus, leads me to a fright and curiosity of what if one day i feel he's the one but apparently im wrong? What if i lose my trust instinct and got nothing left to believe for myself?

I am scared..

to fall again

Two Zero One Five and that's a wrap!

If 2015 is a book, this piece will be its epilogue.

Okay right now do this : Sit straight. Take a deep breath. Release slowly.

No im not asking you to do yoga or something. Let's talk about something mindblowing that you actually might not realise or somehow forget since people are so looking forward to the new year. I know you have been in a few situation where people ask you to breath in and breath out. You either been warming up yourself for physical activities or you must be in a motivational or leadership camp well there's where actually these deep breathing segments usually happen. Now ask yourself do you know how many times have you been breathing effortlessly? Countless. Amountless. Numerous. No idea. Only god knows. Throughout a year; 365 days of waking up, going thru tiresome hell every single day and goes to bed and repeat everyday until you don't realise something which is very important but most of us take it for granted. Hundred thousands of your body cells died everyday and recreating hundred millions for new ones to make sure you stay healthy and sane. Your heart pumping blood every second so it circulates your body and you can receive oxygen. Your body accepting nutrients from every bits of food digested so that you have energy to live. You are alive.

We have been focusing too much about ourselves and how we can fit ourselves on this temporary world full of actors and actresses but we forget the little things that actually mean more than the world to a number of tragically desprade people out there. Weren't we all selfish human beings? I can't say no. We complain more than we possibly can. We ditch others because we feel we are better and they are not our league. We envy others, start to blame them for our failures and all we do is throw hatred on the net and spread it like a virus. Think about how everyone has positive resolutions to begin with every single year yet why is it we are still living like this surrounded by negativity? Are we on the right track?

Before we jump into the future let's take a moment and have a recap on what happened throughout the year of 2015. As for me, i say it was an amazing year to brag about. It was far better than 2014 because it was a full pack of gaining experience process, i got to cherish wonderful memories, i discovered new things that i didn't expect at all and most of all i learned a lot beyond what i imagined about people. Bullshits happened of course it's impossible to have a clean fairytale year but to tell you, without those bullshits i wouldn't grow to be better. Im far open minded by accepting differences, i wasn't the old jugdemental ass that i used to and im wiser than before. 

Suprisingly i don't have a new year resolution for this year. I always have new aims to conquer every moment throughout the year so why to be specific on new year's eve? If you have resolutions, go on. Go for big. But never forget to remember the little things; things that may not matter much to you when you're healthy, when you're happy, when you're rich, when you're young and when you're alive. 

Hello 2016 and may Allah ease our journey!

But one thing they do not know...

'She has her eyes on him. She feels she's on cloud nine whenever he's beside her, whenever he cracks his jokes even it's not funny at all, whenever his shadows came to say hello. Thinking about him all day all night, before she went to sleep. Looks at his photos when she feels lonely. Her eyes sparkles even by the whisper of his name. But one thing she doesn't know...

His eyes were on another girl'

'He dreams about her every single day. Waking up every morning with a mesmerising smile. Everytime when he's alone in a quiet room, he starts to think about her. His shadows came and convince him that he's not going to have her. But he ignores himself believing it's just a piece of his own shadows. He grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and start to let out his feelings. As tomorrow comes, the paper is on her table. He prays that he'll get his fairytale ending. But one thing he doesn't know...

She doesn't care at all'

'She doesn't care about anything. All she knows is never to lock anyone in her heart because she believes everyone is leaving sooner or later. She is so used doing things alone until she believes the life she's living is all about herself. Nobody is as important as she is. She believes every place she came in is temporary. As she does her job, she'll leave silently without leaving any clues. She's happy with the fact she can be independent. But one thing she doesn't know...

She breaks her bestfriend's heart'

'She calls her mysterious friend her bestfriend despite knowing she wouldn't call her the same name. She calls her bestfriend because they can get along. She calls her bestfriend because they can laugh together. She calls her bestfriend because she is the one she spend most of the time with. She's currently in pain, suffering from multiple heartbreaks while her heart shattered into pieces. There's no sign of her bestfriend showing up to lend her a shoulder for her to cry. With her little strength, she walks aimlessly without forgetting to put on her hypocrite mask. Laughing hard on the littlest joke just to forget the painful wounds she carried. But one thing she doesn't know...

There are people praying for her'

They are not her bestfriend. But they are people who seems to care about everything even when nothing favours them at all. They sympathise and empathise. They're somehow were gifted with superpowers as they can hear someone's screaming inside when it can't be heard at all. They believe everybody deserves amountless support for people to fulfill a happy life. They came to her, listen, advice and even cry together. Nothing makes them delighted than knowing she feels better. The wounds heal even they know the scars never do fade away and that's good enough for them. Because they know deep in their hearts, there are countless scars obtained from deep wounds. But still there's one thing they don't know...

Someone is learning from them'

'Watching reality from my eyes is terrifying enough. How unfair it can be. How selfish it can be. How sickening it can be. Reality can be a lovely place and i can't deny that. Which sometimes blend me into endless confusion on how messed up the world can be. Every night i can't jump myself into paradise straight away. On my bed, i close my eyes and i see darkness with its own plots. I cried every night without tears. I had enough waking up hoping the world is okay when i know it will never be that way. So, i look at the mirror and talk to the person in front of me "Since the world is already insane, do good be good. That's all you need to do. While being brilliant to yourself, do not ever forget the others. Being ignorant wouldn't do you much even some would say it's a bliss." But one thing i do know...

Life passes you by. One day its here and then its gone'

Starting Over

I saw a lot of people twitting, making statuses or even making propas of themselves saying "mulakan kehidupan baru" or "let's start a new life" . Ironically im making myself a new blog and im STARTING OVER because eventhough i feel my then blog wasn't a disaster yet something impressive for a 17-year-old (duhh), it's better for me to be me. Im not that typical 'skema' based on what i wrote back then so why not starting over again? Anyway, how do you define 'starting over'?

Im saying this generally. As for me starting over isn't about clicking the 'delete' button, forget every shit you went through because it's painful like hell. No. It's about learning what you went through, make it better and avoid repeating your old blunder. Some of us don't even realise we have been saying "IM STARTING OVER" for 20 times but still fail to take even a single small step forward. Why starting over but you're walking in circles? Big question aye? Learn. Learn from your pain, your mistakes, your failure, your downfall, your mishap. That's what starting over means. If you end up hating every person and you feel like recycle-bin-ing everything that can relate you back to the memories that you want to fade it so much, that ain't starting over; that's running away from reality. 

PS : Life is like a boxing match. Defeat is declared not when you fall, but when you refuse to stand again -anonymous-